The Questionnaire

For years, I've enjoyed the television program "Inside the Actor's Studio."  I'm always impressed with the research that host James Lipton puts into each actor and I truly relish their responses.  I've even enjoyed those episodes featuring actors of whom I'm not particularly fond.

Like a lot of viewers, my favourite segment of the program is when Lipton asks his guests a series of questions that French television presenter Bernard Pivot asked his guests for many years.  The questionnaire itself goes back to Marcel Proust who answered such a questionnaire in 1890 (thank you, Wikipedia) and has been adapted by Pivot and Lipton in the intervening years.

The ultimate thrill for me would be to be a guest on "Inside the Actors Studio" just to be asked these questions by Mr. Lipton.  This fantasy of mine seems highly unlikely if, for no other reason, I'm not an actor.  And even if I were to drop everything tomorrow and pursue it as a profession (and don't think I haven't thought of it), by the time I paid my sufficient dues and became famous enough to be invited on the program, Mr. Lipton would either be retired or dead.

Consequently, I'm going to use this modern, everyman forum to answer those questions that I'm sure most of you have wondered about me for so long.  Please bear in mind that given my nature there may be more than one answer to some of them.

What is your favourite word?  My favourite noun is "wombat" and my favourite adjective is "groovy."  In fact I think "The Groovy Wombat" would be a great name for a bar.  I don't think I necessarily have a favourite word for any other part of speech.  They're both just so much fun to say.  Go on... try it.

What is your least favourite word?  This is a toss-up between two three-word phrases:  "fire at will" (for obvious reasons) and "really nice guy" (more on this in a later posting).

What turns you on?  There is a combination, and I don't know the proper proportions, but when mixed correctly, intelligence and a sense of humour are damn sexy!

What turns you off?  Dishonesty, deceitfulness... anything along those lines.

What sound or noise do you love?  The sound of laughter... particularly if I caused it.

What sound or noise do you hate?  I know it sounds trite, but I have to say it's fingernails on a blackboard.

What is your favourite curse word?  This is everyone's favourite question.  I've given this a lot of thought and I've realized (and this is something Russell Crowe also briefly touched on when he was on the program) that it's often not the word itself, but the emotion and the attitude we convey when we use it.  My feeling is that if you're going to curse, don't just curse--own it.  This is, admittedly, difficult to convey in print.

Two suggestions I often make are to string a bunch of them together (goddamncocksuckingassholelickingmotherfuckingturkeyassedsonofabitch!) or to make up your own (a friend of mine once coined the phrase "son of a Barbra Streisand" which is still a personal favourite).

But if I had to pick one word, I suppose it would be "asshole."  It's just a perfect insult.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?  Entertainer--preferably as an actor or musician.

What profession would you not like to attempt?  If the last twenty years have taught me anything, I would not like to work in retail or food service.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? This may sound weird, but I don't think I would like to be greeted by God.  Sure, I'd like to meet the Almighty, but I need to know that a) my uncle fixed the automatic pearly gate opener (long story), b) Grandma has a bowl of her macaroni and cheese in a pink plastic bowl waiting for me, and c) Dad and Gramps are in the next room playing chess and I get to play the winner.  After that, God can say to me anything s/he wants to say.  One must have his priorities in order.

I hope this has in some small way given you, dear reader, an insight into my psyche (I doubt you need any more).  Given the fact that this can now be read by anyone and potentially everyone, I would invite James Lipton and/or Bernard Pivot to answer these questions.  I've always been curious about their responses.