Nice Guy Blues

ROYAL TENNENBAUM (Gene Hackman):  Can I say something to you, Henry?
HENRY SHERMAN (Danny Glover):  O.K. 
ROYAL:  I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember.  That's just my style.  But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were gonna forgive me. 
HENRY:  I don't think you're an asshole, Royal.  I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch. 
ROYAL:  Well, I really appreciate that.
--from the film The Royal Tennenbaums (written by Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson), 2001

A while back, I was asked an interesting question by a couple of female friends whose anonymity I've sworn to protect.  They asked me "Why are men jerks?"  At the time, I gave what I thought was a semi-educated, semi-scientific explanation into the male psyche (truthfully I just blamed testosterone).  But as the day progressed, the more the question gnawed at me and I realized that there were other elements involved and more questions raised.  What follows is my attempt to make sense of it (at least from a heterosexual male perspective).  I'm not saying that my conclusions are 100% correct, they are only based on my own personal observations over the last 25 years or so.

The first thing I have to do is correct two fallacies in the question itself.  First of all, men aren't jerks.  They're assholes.  And, as the film dialogue quote above hopefully pointed out, it's important to make these kinds of distinctions.  Personally, I've always found that jerks are easier to tolerate than assholes.  From least offensive to most offensive, the scale reads douchebag, jerk, dick, dickhead, prick, asshole.  It's hard for me to determine where sons of bitches fall in that spectrum--I've not met too many (nor have I met their mothers).

The second fallacy I need to correct is that not all men are assholes.  Granted, most of them are, which really sucks because it gives the rest of us a bad name.  And at the risk of sounding conceited, you read that last sentence correctly:  I do lump myself in with the minority of men who aren't assholes.  I will admit to having my moments (many of you, especially if you're related to me, I'm sure can verify this), but unlike most assholes, I can at least admit when I'm being one, which, in my book, puts me at an advantage over your everyday, run-of-the-mill, garden variety asshole.  I try not to be one as much as possible, but as my father once said about being an asshole, "sometimes it's necessary."  It's when "sometimes" becomes "all the time" that problems can arise and people can get hurt.

Which brings us to the newly revised question:  Why are most men assholes?  I do stand by my original statement that testosterone probably plays a big part in that.  But in my pondering of this question, I also realized an important truth.  Most men are assholes because they know that it will get them laid (a desire driven by testosterone).  Being an asshole, especially if you come by it naturally, is much more attractive to the opposite sex than being a "nice guy."  Those of you out there who are nice guys will probably back me up on this.  Even if you're lucky enough to be involved with, or even married to the most beautiful woman in the world (at least for you), you probably lost a lot of women in your day to complete and total assholes, am I right?

Which brings us to the much more important underlying question:  Why do otherwise intelligent women insist on dating assholes?  I asked this of my anonymous female friends (it almost sounds as if they're ashamed to admit they're my friends, doesn't it?).  While the response I got was less than satisfactory, it would appear that most nice guys have some kind of "quirky" quality (that was actually the word used) that keeps them from being attractive to most women.

Blindness (on the part of the woman) also seems to factor into the equation.  Because, let's be honest, when it comes to attracting women, assholes can put on the charm.  And the only one who doesn't see through it is the woman the asshole is trying to seduce.

Again--I'm speaking from experience here.  Most of the women I've been attracted to in my life (at least the ones I've had the courage to say something to), always went for the asshole for one reason or another.  The only time I remember losing out to a decent guy, it was only because he had an English accent.  Clearly there was no way I could compete against that (of course, what does that say about her?).

For all women who might be reading this, let me just go on record as saying that "nice guy" (or, even worse, "really nice guy") is the most backhanded compliment someone can give to a man.  It's just a euphemism for "boring."  You may as well just say, "You will never ever see me naked and I'm going to date morons and assholes and guys who treat me like shit and complain about them to you because their faults make them infinitely more interesting than you can ever hope to be."  That's what "nice guy" really means and anyone who says differently is.... well, frankly, a woman.  Sorry I cracked your code, ladies!

I know I sound somewhat bitter and resentful about this.  You know what?  I am!  I've spent the better part of my life watching women I care about (both romantically and platonically) get hurt by one asshole after another when there are plenty of decent guys out there who have to wear wristwatches because those women who are dating assholes refuse to give them the time of day.

But that's not even the worst part.  The worst part is when the newly heartbroken woman comes up to me (strictly as a friend, of course) and says something along the lines of, "Why can't I find a decent guy like you?"  And there's a small part of me that wants to suddenly become a (justified in this instance) asshole and say, "What the fuck?  I'm standing right in front of you!  You go all gushy over this downright pathetic excuse for not just a man but a human being, and when he inevitably hurts you (as I predicted he would), you say you want a guy like me?  And all the time I'm right here--and yet, I couldn't even get laid if I were an egg!"

Of course, I don't say that, because I try hard not to be an asshole (even when it's sometimes necessary).  And all I can do is put my arms around her and tell her it's not her fault and that she'll find her Prince Charming someday.  You know... a nice guy just like me... but not.

A word of warning--if any of you nice guys reading this think it's a good idea to adopt the persona of an asshole in an attempt to attract women, don't.  It doesn't work.  You have to have been born an asshole and/or work at it your whole life (with apologies to Fred "August" Campbell).  I've found that women are really only attracted to the genuine article.

And for all the ladies who insist on dating assholes, let me explain a few things to you (not that I expect you to listen, but I'm going to say it anyway).  First of all, you're not going to change him.  Again, he was likely born that way and probably worked at it his whole life.  Secondly, nice guys aren't necessarily boring.  Give one a chance.  You might be pleasantly surprised.  To reiterate, I don't expect anyone to listen to me on this, but I suppose hope springs eternal.

The Questionnaire

For years, I've enjoyed the television program "Inside the Actor's Studio."  I'm always impressed with the research that host James Lipton puts into each actor and I truly relish their responses.  I've even enjoyed those episodes featuring actors of whom I'm not particularly fond.

Like a lot of viewers, my favourite segment of the program is when Lipton asks his guests a series of questions that French television presenter Bernard Pivot asked his guests for many years.  The questionnaire itself goes back to Marcel Proust who answered such a questionnaire in 1890 (thank you, Wikipedia) and has been adapted by Pivot and Lipton in the intervening years.

The ultimate thrill for me would be to be a guest on "Inside the Actors Studio" just to be asked these questions by Mr. Lipton.  This fantasy of mine seems highly unlikely if, for no other reason, I'm not an actor.  And even if I were to drop everything tomorrow and pursue it as a profession (and don't think I haven't thought of it), by the time I paid my sufficient dues and became famous enough to be invited on the program, Mr. Lipton would either be retired or dead.

Consequently, I'm going to use this modern, everyman forum to answer those questions that I'm sure most of you have wondered about me for so long.  Please bear in mind that given my nature there may be more than one answer to some of them.

What is your favourite word?  My favourite noun is "wombat" and my favourite adjective is "groovy."  In fact I think "The Groovy Wombat" would be a great name for a bar.  I don't think I necessarily have a favourite word for any other part of speech.  They're both just so much fun to say.  Go on... try it.

What is your least favourite word?  This is a toss-up between two three-word phrases:  "fire at will" (for obvious reasons) and "really nice guy" (more on this in a later posting).

What turns you on?  There is a combination, and I don't know the proper proportions, but when mixed correctly, intelligence and a sense of humour are damn sexy!

What turns you off?  Dishonesty, deceitfulness... anything along those lines.

What sound or noise do you love?  The sound of laughter... particularly if I caused it.

What sound or noise do you hate?  I know it sounds trite, but I have to say it's fingernails on a blackboard.

What is your favourite curse word?  This is everyone's favourite question.  I've given this a lot of thought and I've realized (and this is something Russell Crowe also briefly touched on when he was on the program) that it's often not the word itself, but the emotion and the attitude we convey when we use it.  My feeling is that if you're going to curse, don't just curse--own it.  This is, admittedly, difficult to convey in print.

Two suggestions I often make are to string a bunch of them together (goddamncocksuckingassholelickingmotherfuckingturkeyassedsonofabitch!) or to make up your own (a friend of mine once coined the phrase "son of a Barbra Streisand" which is still a personal favourite).

But if I had to pick one word, I suppose it would be "asshole."  It's just a perfect insult.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?  Entertainer--preferably as an actor or musician.

What profession would you not like to attempt?  If the last twenty years have taught me anything, I would not like to work in retail or food service.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? This may sound weird, but I don't think I would like to be greeted by God.  Sure, I'd like to meet the Almighty, but I need to know that a) my uncle fixed the automatic pearly gate opener (long story), b) Grandma has a bowl of her macaroni and cheese in a pink plastic bowl waiting for me, and c) Dad and Gramps are in the next room playing chess and I get to play the winner.  After that, God can say to me anything s/he wants to say.  One must have his priorities in order.

I hope this has in some small way given you, dear reader, an insight into my psyche (I doubt you need any more).  Given the fact that this can now be read by anyone and potentially everyone, I would invite James Lipton and/or Bernard Pivot to answer these questions.  I've always been curious about their responses.