Did you ever notice that, when you're walking down the street, drivers are some of the dumbest people on the planet?
Gloria Estefan freaks me out. I spent many of my formative years living in fear that the rhythm was going to get me.
I've given this a lot of thought and, after much careful consideration, I've determined conclusively and unequivocally that we must bring back the flapper... as soon as possible... right now if we can.
I recently realized that all of my coat hangers are secretly gay and ashamed to admit it. Although, personally, I think they belong in the closet and I'm really sorry I outed them here.
Every Christmas tree angel I've ever known seems to have a giant stick up her ass.
Did you ever notice that, when you're driving a car, pedestrians are some of the dumbest people on the planet?
I think it would have been really cool if Jesus had turned the water into wine as he walked across it. Think of it--TWO miracles for the price of one! Clearly efficiency is not a Christian value.
If history has taught me anything, it's taught me that if you're name is "Richard" and you go by "Dick," there's probably a good and justifiable reason for it.
Ever since I saw the movie A View to a Kill thirty years ago, I've been wondering where on the female anatomy the "Tchaikovsky" is. If anyone knows, please contact me. I think it would answer a lot of questions I have about women.
If an English person is gay and not open about it, is that person said to be "in the cupboard"?
Adjusted for inflation, how much would the Six Million Dollar Man cost if we were to rebuild him today? Conversely, how much has the Six Million Dollar Man depreciated in value since 1974?
I once saw a bumper sticker that read, "Try Jesus." I gave it some serious thought, but then I realized that the Romans beat me to it.
I would rather actually sail away on the River Styx than listen to Styx sing "Come Sail Away."
I have a theory that those who don't pay attention in school to science, math, or history will one day grow up to become conservative political pundits.
I've always felt that Jesus Christ had a severe messianic complex.
If I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is now new and improved, does that
mean that the original stuff actually was butter? Or does it mean that I
now officially can believe it wasn't butter to begin with? Wow--this
conundrum might keep me up at night.
The more I think about it, the more I firmly believe that Samantha should have ended up with Farmer Ted.
A treadmill is nothing more than the human equivalent of a hamster wheel.
I can't hear "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" without picturing Madeline Kahn brushing her hair.
One morning the sun rose and turned every vampire to dust. From that day forward, no one was ever able to write another teenage romance novel ever again. The End.
